I am presently sat on my front porch. I have been for the past ten minutes. I probably will be for the next half an hour. This is my parents new house. No-one knows me here. I have no battery on my phone. I have two bottles of wine with me, bought for an evening with a friend tonight. I have a cold.
It is hailing.
These, it is fair to say, are dire circumstances. I have seen two neighbours in their houses opposite sniggering through their windows. To them I must look like a alcoholic, stylish (LET ME HAVE IT, I HAVE ICE DOWN MY BACK) and indeterminably pathetic hobo, with an iPod touch.
As the only appliance I have available able to distract me from my shit life, I am using said iPod to list songs that are making me feel better about the complete absurdity of this situation (spoiler warning: ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is not present).
SONGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU’RE LOCKED OUT OF YOUR HOUSE IN THE HAIL.
- Hurts – Wonderful Life
- P!nk feat. William Orbit – Feel Good Time
- Appleton – Everything Eventually
- SoundGirl – Planes In The Sky
- David Guetta feat. Sia – Titanium
- The Saturdays – All Fired Up
- Manufactured Superstars feat. Paris Hilton – Drunk Text
- Kelly Clarkson – What Doesn’t Kill You
- Take That – The Flood
- Madonna – Turn Up The Radio
I am now inside the house, safe and sound. I would ‘hurrah’ but I think i’ve got a dead tongue.
Anyway, whilst making that list, I shuffled through a fair few songs that did not make me feel better. In fact a high percentage of these songs were in this particular moment rather soul destroying. So in a mad frenzy of helpfulness I thought i’d note down those too, just in case you ever find yourself in this particular situation.
SONGS THAT DON’T MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER WHEN YOU’RE LOCKED OUT OF YOUR HOUSE IN THE HAIL:
- Hurts – Wonderful Life
- Taio Cruz – So Cold
- Avril Lavigne – I’m With You
- Justin Timberlake – What Goes Around…/…Comes Around
- Anastasia – Left Outside Alone
- The Saturdays – Open Up
- Sia – Breathe Me
- Marina And The Diamonds – Homewrecker
- Cheryl Cole – The Flood
- Madonna – Frozen
- All of this literally happened. It will be given an entire chapter in my memoir and at least eight letters on my gravestone.
- Wonderful Life played on repeat about three times before I realised that my iPod needed resetting, and whilst at first I could appreciate the message of the song (which is quite literally: “DON’T LET GO, NEVER GIVE UP IT’S SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE”), after three plays the apocalyptic moaning in the middle really does start to make you think that the whole thing is just Hurts practicing a very cruel sarcasm.
- I had forgotten quite how good that Appleton album was.
- P!nk should do a whole album with William Orbit please and thank you.
- Take That‘s The Flood is on the ‘feel better’ list because before it really is the king of fist-pumps.
- Cheryl Cole‘s The Floor is on the ‘not feel better’ list because it is SO VERY SHIT.
- Songs that give you goosebumps are no longer brilliant in 3°C weather.
- All Fired Up is amazing regardless of situation and is on the shortlist to be played at my cremation.
- Where did it all go right for The Saturdays?
- When did it all go so wrong for Avril Lavigne?
- Can SoundGirl still have a record deal please?
- Drunk Text by Manufactured Superstars featuring Paris Hilton is a masterpiece. I am not being sarcastic. There is nothing better to distract you from the hardships of life than listening to Paris Hilton slurring some words together about the Twittersphere and taking photos up girl’s skirts.
And that, to end on a whirlwind of confusion, is that.
Total time spent sat on the porch: 1 hr 04 mins.
Again: THIS ALL LITERALLY HAPPENED.