Tag Archives: William Orbit

I am locked out of the house.

I am presently sat on my front porch. I have been for the past ten minutes. I probably will be for the next half an hour. This is my parents new house. No-one knows me here. I have no battery on my phone. I have two bottles of wine with me, bought for an evening with a friend tonight. I have a cold.

It is hailing.

These, it is fair to say, are dire circumstances. I have seen two neighbours in their houses opposite sniggering through their windows. To them I must look like a alcoholic, stylish (LET ME HAVE IT, I HAVE ICE DOWN MY BACK) and indeterminably pathetic hobo, with an iPod touch.

As the only appliance I have available able to distract me from my shit life, I am using said iPod to list songs that are making me feel better about the complete absurdity of this situation (spoiler warning: ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is not present). Continue reading

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